Escaping Domestic Violence, Finding Freedom
Ella Hicks, Founder of Rebel Thriver, speaks out loud for the first time.
Ella Hicks, Founder of Rebel Thriver, shares her harrowing story out of domestic violence to fighting for the freedom of all survivors.
Ella and Anne talk about the cycle of violence, why abused women stay, and how anyone - you, your sister, or best friend - could be suffering right now.
She also shares
what you can do if you or a loved one is being abused
how to leave safely
how break free of the emotional prison and shame
find freedom and hope.
This podcast also includes a PRACTICE, a guided meditation to Breathe in Peace for increasing peace, calm, safety and love, led by Anne.
PRACTICE: BREATHE IN PEACE
Inspired by Ella, who says she “breathes in peace and breathes out chaos” to deal with her severe PTSD after domestic violence, this relaxing, restorative guided meditation increases feelings of peace, calm, safety and love.
Follow Anne’s voice along with healing sound therapy music, set at theta brain wave frequency, for deeper relaxation and meditation.
About Ella Hicks
Ella is the Founder of Rebel Thriver, a life coach, writer, artist and mother, who survived a 12-year abusive marriage to become the thriver-in-chief of Rebel Thriver, inspiring and empowering survivors of domestic violence, dedicated to cultivating hope and helping survivors reclaim their lives after trauma - to thrive.
Connect with Ella and Rebel Thrivers on Facebook
Check out Rebel Thriver here and donate to You Are Not Alone
And know that you are not alone:
20 people per minute are physically abused by an intimate partner in the United States
1 in 3 women and 1 in 4 men have experienced some form of physical violence by an intimate partner
Call, text, go online for help.
Ella says that the best resource is the National Domestic Violence Hotline/National:
1-800-799-SAFE (7233)
TTY 1-800-787-3224
Live Chat: The Hotline.org
Quotes from the podcast
How it happens
Abusive people systematically break you down so that you're a shell of your former self.
Red flags
I didn't see the red flags at the time and now, when I look back, I see them everywhere.
Your abuser will try to isolate you from your family members and friends. They want total control.
Why she stayed for so long
I felt like if I were to walk away, I would have been a failure. And so I didn't.
I thought that if I loved him more, he would be better.
I went into the relationship blind.
The Cycle of Violence
There's tension building, there's an explosion, and then everything comes down again. You get caught up in this cycle because you don't want the explosion to come, but you know it's coming. Then when it’s over and you survived it, you just want to keep the peace.
Escaping
I left my ex-husband one cold winter night, and literally walked out with the clothes on my back.
I was a mess mentally, so I reached out and said, “I need help.”
Audacious hope, that is what got me through. That is why I am sitting here today, talking to you and why my kids and I are alive.
If you are in an abusive relationship
You may have to blow up your entire life, but in the process you'll be gaining a life.
Once you leave: You will get a second wind and then you will be fighting for your freedom
What most women feel when they leave, even if they have nothing, is an incredible sense of gratitude.
How you can help
Understand what trauma bonding is, be on the lookout. Be aware and be brave enough to say something.
Help by being there, leaving the door open.
Be very firm about what you see, what you believe to be the truth, that it's not okay, that your loved one deserves better and that you are always going to be there for them.
The emotional abuse, the gaslighting, the control, those are the things that take you forever to recover from.
Break the stigma around abuse because then more people will come out and find their voices.
Repeat the phrase- breathe in peace, breathe out chaos, like a tape loop running in your head as often as possible.
And finally
Love isn't abuse, it's respect.
EPISODE breakdown
[00:02:00] why women struggle to leave unhealthy relationships.
[00:04:00] “I thought that if I loved him more, he would be better.” We don’t notice red flags and work harder to make things work.
[00:07:00] The night that changed everything.
[00:10:00] The cycle of violence - what it is, how the tension builds
[00:12:00] “Don’t you dare give up, even when exhausted, you are worth it.” Advice for people trying to leave an abusive relationship
[00:15:00] Trauma bonding and post traumatic stress
[00:16:00] How to support friends, family- anyone, if they are in abusive relationships: Leave the door open but be very firm about what you see, what you believe to be the truth, that it's not okay, that your loved one deserves better and that you are always going to be there for them.
[00:17:00] Abuse isn’t always violence, it’s gaslighting, it’s controlling; it’s not having access to money.
[00:18:00] What’s next- breaking the stigma, teaching kids about safe dating practices.
[00:22:00] 5-minute guided meditation: Breathe in Peace
NOTE - If you want to listen to the guided meditation, without listening to the whole podcast, click on the PRACTICE version.